THE BAD WEAVE

I've been going to lots of events of late and have to get dressed up and all that. Had to do the heel thing a few times. Anything past 2 inches and life becomes a nightmare for me. The pain is something that I cannot even begin to describe. Had my toes been given the privilege to talk, then certainly I would've been reprimanded most severely and banished to the attic or the cellar with a lump of bread and a cup of water and told to stay there forever and die. But it is not just the pain of being vain and having to wear things that cause extreme discomfort that truly bothers me, there are many other aspects of life that are more distressing than the wearing of shoes which leave you at the end of an evening with swollen toes and several corns and ladies I know I have to be careful here, but I have to touch on…. "the weave thing".

Now ladies, don't get me wrong and I know that by the end of this article, some of you may just want to burn me with your Guy on November 5th, coming up shortly, but the truth must be said. What is it with bad weaves and the "Hey I'm looking sexy", when in fact many women look as if they've had an encounter with Predator in a boxing ring. The weave thang is something that has disturbed me greatly. I sometimes find it difficult to cope with life, as another badly and ill-fitted 5 ft high weave strolls past my vision. Bee-hives ladies are just that and should be kept in their normal environment. But what I'd like to understand is this? What possesses a woman to walk about in public looking like a deranged coconut tree? Where has that element of style, simplicity and good taste flown off to?

Many times, other than laughing out loud, and you know you can't do that unless you get set upon by Madam light bulb and her hair glue, I've had to sit, staring totally dumbfounded at yet another bad hair do. Should I enquire politely "from whom did you acquire such a hair do" and tempt reprisals of the most violent form? Should I, woman to woman, calmly introduce myself as a concerned female, a "sistah" and then soothingly tell her that "the weave thing needs to go because it was bad for her reputation" and once again face her wrath and barrage of obscenities, with the added bonus of a shoe-heel through the eye?

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I've been privileged to view women shifting their weaves from the middle of their head to a position of where it should be, sitting almost tidily on their forehead. I've watched as they've scratched their heads to see the whole damn thing shifting up and down as if nits were scurrying around underneath. I've seen women with so much of the stuff on their heads that were there a fire 10 miles away, they'd still get caught on "fiyah". And I do find it most difficult to look someone in the face when the weave is making them look as if they've got facial hair as well as hair growing out of every crevice on their face and ears. So come on ladies, do the decent thing and get a decent weave. Also, if you have to pay a little extra so you can look "stoosh" and not look like someone's pet poodle who has had a mud fight then find the money. I hear pole dancing is a good way to make extra money - if you have a bit of butt and a figure then you're on the way to purchasing a fine weave. If on the other hand you are a "minga" and pole dancing would not be an option, because you'd certianly be pelted with bricks and bottles then just shave the head. This could be an advantage or disadvantage, depending upon the size and shape of your face. Either way, you need to make an executive decision - the weave or nothing at all because the brothas out there are seriously concerned and those of us with more sense than weave, are saying to the rest of you all, come on sistas - get with the programme.

Before I go, a word of advice. If you do feel to stick with the weave thing, and have absolutely no other alternative - please, please, please get a colour that suits your complexion. Blonde weaves with bright red lipstick on a chocolate complexion? um..please wait whilst I bring up the contents of my stomach…….Have you no friends or people who truly respect and love you who could tell you honestly what you really look like?

Auntie Winniefred Hotbottom Crictchlow always a pleasure to be at your service