Ladies and Gentlemen -how are we todey? Ah still on the gunja. They wukking me to deat at work, but tank de lard I still hey, persevering and plodding along, even dough de hair falling out and my mout is two molars short as de stress tekking it's toll, but I still gots to tank de lard and keep holing on.

Of late I have noticed a rather disturbing fact. Men seem to be getting shorter. Or rather the tall men seem to be a dying breed or maybe these real men, these hunks, who hunted for food and were fit and muscular as any gal could ever want died during the stone age ear. Many times, I myself have been pursued by some midget, waist length offering everything from flowers to the world, grinning at me like a 'lille' piece of puppetry from a circus. As I've stared coldly down, down, down at their balding heads, I'd shake my head vigorously stating no, hell no, I was not looking for a man, especially not one whose head I could easily sit upon.

But I need a man with whom I could have the pleasure of going up on tippy toes, stretching my fine lean body against his tall, muscular frame whilst plonking a rather slow and lingering kiss upon his lips. The notion of physically picking up my partner, in order to align his short self within kissable reach only to find I have miscalculated and found to be kissing his eye balls does not strike me as being remotely romantic.

Now ladies, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a little "Bajan Dwarf", "Jamaican Midget" or "St Lucian Mini me". Of course, size should not matter. (Yeah right -who you fooling -I hear some say!!). It does not mean he is a worse lover or partner than anyone else. My main concern is image. You B….h. I hear you all scweam. How vain you are. (Yeah - I reply. I like to wear heels sometimes. And think of what all that bending down to communicate with some 3ft lover boy could do to my back.)

.

I can hear many of you stupsing and cursing me stating "If a man treats you right and he's only 2ft 1, it don't mean a thing if he ain't got the height, shoo wap, shoo wap, shoo wap, shoo wap, shoo wap". Ok,Ok I get it. Once a guy treats you right, once a man treats you like a la…deeeee, once a man knows what a woman wants….really knows what she weally, weally wants then it don't matter diddly squat what height he is.

Sorry, chappies but I beg to differ, because if I wanted a midget I would've purchased a Chiwowa or is it Cheewowa - anyway!!!!. Alternatively, I would've broken the bones in my legs years ago, bandaged them up like the chinese do feet, and remained at my sister's height, 3ft nothing and all breast. But I didn't. I am 5ft 3" and I like myself this way and I want a man to suit my needs.

Maybe it was the powdered milk these guys were given at the time. Maybe the injections these guys had, as a baby were not innoculations at all but a scientific trial to produce a new species. All I know is that it worked. All these little Ewoks roaming all over the place, getting in my way and tripping me up and asking me out is quite ..well..unnerving to say the least. But I guess there is an advantageous side to all this….Just can't think of one at the moment.

Auntie Winniefred Hotbottom Crictchlow at your service